Playing
I am supposed to be an adult. In the past few years I have definitely felt like I am one. Especially what happens to me automatically - being thrust into adulthood. This involves: Needing to work to live, needing to date to find a mate, needing to mature in order to deal with those two things . I have a job, I have a mate, but I am far far from “mature”. Are adults really “mature” anyway? I don’t think you really are until you’re about 75 or so. Everyone has their own definition of what maturity means for them. Compared to the rest of society? Compared to older people? Compared to your parents? Who the fuck knows. All I know is that I really do not feel able to tackle any of these “adult” things. I can barely take care of myself - just me, on my own. Let alone having responsibilities. As an actor I think I play the part of responsible well and have tricked myself into thinking I know the way to be a responsible person. But that means all I am doing is playing (with my own head really). I don’t do it on purpose. I just feel as though deep down I have no fucking clue how to be grown up. But again, maybe most do not.
Filed under Uncategorized | Comment (0)A Semblance of Ease
I don’t know what it is, but returning to a structured institution of erudition has slightly calmed the raging chaos in my brain. I cannot really explain it too well, now, because at the moment I must let it happen rather than my usual frenetic analysis (all too often ruining any of the sprinklings of joy that managed to accumulate in the first place).
I shall elaborate a tad. Just looking back at the four-plus hours I dedicated this weekend to acute study impressed me. Rarely do I have any feeling of confidence due to any actions. More often than not, all of my actions put me to shame, and make me sink more and more into feelings of inadequecy. Instead, I am excited about re-entering my studies tonight, four days before my class and already feeling I could practically write an opus on the material we were given! I dug in with such care and attempt at mastery (needing to succeed is now my primary goal).
The shock at my diligence, and the afterglow of this, is still with me today. I am at my dull, thankless job, giggling inside because I feel as though I have a secret. I feel now that there is a chance I can overcome this lackluster plateau I set myself in and instead live in a world that I designed for myself a little more.
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