Little Pleasures vs. Great Fulfillment
I have always pondered the idea of fulfillment for human beings. On one hand we all have different ideas of what it means to be fulfilled, but at the same time I feel like it is a smorgasbord of different things rather than one main goal. I somehow cannot believe that the lady who has 5 kids but never had a career is completely 100% fulfilled, but that’s me. There is a chance she may be. Is it enough that she feels fulfilled from raising her 5 children, either represses the dream of career fulfillment aside from child rearing, or does she consider her work enough? I probably don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. In fact I know I don’t know what the hell I’m saying because I’m dead tired, bit hallucinatory and dizzy. Ahem…anyway though. Getting back to my weak analysis of God knows what it is I wanted to address. Oh yeah. I guess fulfillment is the ability to apply your intellect and values together in a way that gives you a sense of pride and confidence and goal-meeting. For someone with clinical depression however, the glow of “happiness” begotten from a triumphant feat, is very short-lived. It is not permanent for “normal” people either, but I think that the idea does linger more. For us it is a joke. I “accomplish” something (whatever the fuck that means as I never think I accomplish shit) and I just go right back to wondering whether I will be fulfilled tomorrow or not.
Small pleasures however, the trivialities in the daily swing of life, keep me from beer bonging lighter fluid. The idea of a beautiful reading chair that is arriving on Saturday is keeping me very happy at the moment. The idea of my new red microwave is also fun. I also love the time between the subway and the cafe where I am not eager to go to work, but very eager to get my coffee (and sometimes on Fridays a fatty pastry!!). And of course, to be the cheesiest idiot alive, I simply adore my friends (my family is on the top, but that’s just too obvious). I have some of the loveliest girlfriends around. I don’t have loads of girfriends, only about a handful, but they are MORE than enough because of their spirit and love for me. And I laugh at them because they are freaking hilarious, and they in turn ALSO laugh at me, so it’s like double fun everytime. So, somehow, even within my terminal depressive brain, I am able to ignore the fact that I am a failure with no future who could have been a more successful artist and probably happier in the great sense.
Ok, I can’t really ignore it. It haunts me and the need for that kind of fulfillment makes me weep with regret and frustration. But in the meantime, I can count on coffees and furniture and books and friends to let me at least allow me to ignore that vague idea of needing great fulfillment.
Filed under Uncategorized | Comment (0)It’s May
Ok it is May and I haven’t written a post in a month. That is ok by me though because I have turned over a new leaf. HAHAHAHA. No I haven’t. I’m still the same old trudger. Still trying to find out what the hell I did to ensure that I never succeed the way I wanted to. The good news is I am getting an A in my class so far. Some more good news is that I am performing tonight. It is just a small skit, but I thought of it, I wrote it, and I am doing it. This does feel good. I must say. The only thing that saddens me is that I know it will end soon. My last class is Thursday, and after that I have a “summer off”. Ok, it means I have work still but no other prospects. I hope that without school I can do more performing, but knowing me, I will cower and cry instead…
I am incredibly anxious today for some reason however. I don’t know if it’s the practically 8 pints of coffee that I’ve shoved down my gullet, or the jimmies from nervousness about my performance. Either way - it’s not feeling so hot. My shoulders are incredibly tensed. Ok now this blog is turning into a complaint board in the style of a rickity old lady. But if that’s what I’ve become then so be it.
I am ready to fully embrace my new rickity-old-lady persona and dedicate this blog to complaints that only consist of: Weather, Aches, Expensive Prescriptions.
Filed under Uncategorized | Comment (1)