What the?

Ok - I am feeling very bizarre as of late…I feel as though I’ve lost friends for certain reasons I don’t care to disclose at this time.  But I cannot stand it. I know I am better off than when I was 20-22 years old when being alone was status quo for me. 

I was living in Brooklyn with a great gay couple, but most of my friends from acting school either moved to LA or back to their home towns.  The few that stayed in the city like me were up in Harlem and it was tough with all of us being dead poor to do much socializing besides sitting in our tiny holes of apartments.  I still saw my two favorite gals once every two weeks at LEAST, but we were all so busy busting our balls to get acting work while waitressing at 2 or more gigs to do more together - especially when all of us are on totally wacky un-planned schedules!

I used to drink far too often than I do now (probably still do too much but that’s another entry).  In Belgium where I lived from junior high through high school, going to a bar/cafe alone was incredibly normal and standard even for a woman.  Most bars in Europe also have espresso machines and at least some type of menu for snacking, so even if you didn’t want to drink, your friends still could and you would be perfectly happy with your tasty coffee and croque monsieur.  Here it’s different though. I still would go to bars (happy if I found one with coffee so I didn’t HAVE to drink), but still feeling people were looking at me as cheap whore looking to grab some local alcoholic (sounds tempting I know!)  To most men a woman alone means she wants to get laid.   Really it was about  having company to talk to when I couldn’t hang out with my girlfriends.  In the summer I would be in there even more because my apartment was unbearable.  Air conditioned bars became my living room. I would bring my novel, my New Yorker, and my journal and be content to stay there until I could go home and just pass out.  Of course being so young, men who come up to you and flirt and charm, even though I wasn’t a dumb ass, sometimes would give in to their musings out of sadness of feeling unwanted and alone.  Why wouldn’t I go to say a dance class, or a pottery class? I think because I tried to create a Europe in NYC, and was definitely a depressed young artist who tried to have creative epiphanies the way many of our great artists have done.  Ah the early years of th 00’s were a sad one for the old me.

I wouldn’t say I’ve reverted there at ALL, as I haven’t been to bars alone yet again. I have a lot of friends still, but in some ways I feel friends are disappearing, and for nothing that is really in my control. I don’t want to go back to that horribly lonely confusing time, where I searched for meaning in beer.  I want to be the new me, who is not necessarily stable or “better” but has more self-power than before.  I have to remember that I’m not alone, even if I lose friends.  Because if I lose friends due to  their biases then they probably shouldn’t have been counted as a friend in the first place. (I know this is so cliche but aren’t I always?).

I know now that I am a good and loving person. I still feel much alone and confused but I also believe that the love I put out will give me the love I want.  Let’s just hope I don’t decide to destroy myself because of the pain in the meantime.

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