Going Forward

The term “going forward” makes me want to vomit.  When people say (namely, my boss) for example, “I would like you to start chronicling emails this or that way going forward”, I want to rip out the dividing wall from my cubicle out and throw it across the room like a discus.

My life does not have that idealogy in it. I do not examine the things in my life that I do too much of or too little of and try to rectify it “going forward”.  Instead, I get incredibly stuck with the notion that I have the inability to do anything.  I reject ”going forward” and sink into “going bonkers”.

“Going bonkers” is much more interesting to me.  Not in the sense that it is cool to be crazy. It’s funny to talk about being crazy perhaps, but that is not my intent. I am bonafide bonkers, not putting it on for some (3 people only probably) who read this on the internet.

My point is….uh…my point is….um….

I guess I’m just saying that for me - the idea of “going forward” doesn’t apply to the way I go about things.  If I’m working on self-improvement, it is a wild disaster that goes very much backwards before going even a milimeter forwards.  Then sometimes when it is very present, I put it on pause or put it off somewhere to the side so it can be sufficiently repressed or ignored.

I shall now go nowhere at the moment, and I’m okay with that. I can’t do anything if I don’t really want to.

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