Recently Unearthed Vintage Katrin

I was going through my files and found this sort of odd piece from something I was going to submit to a paying blog job I had through Oxygen Media a couple years back. It’s pretty cute albeit retarded. (Kinda my life experience really):

It’s 2007, and that means next year we’ll be electing a new president, which means right now there are hoards of hot democratic political meat running rampant. This is the time to land a Kennedy.
This involves a trip to the fun, Dockers wearing, red sox loving city of Beantown!
There are a few pointers I have up my sleeve when trying to land a Kennedy. First one is to look at your breeding, were you born into the correct family to even come remotely close to marrying into a high powered political family? If not, then go pack up your things and head back to your trailer, because it ain’t happening sister.

If you are, then boy are you in luck, because Boston is the puppy mill of Kennedy’s, they’re just waiting in caucus purgatory for you to waltz in with your linen pant suit and snag ’em up.

How to get there: You can try the Chinatown bus; I recommend Lucky Star, it’s less known than the Fung Wah, but really whatever floats your boat, or bus. Now, why a bus you ask? Why would some Kennedy EVER even nod toward a lesser lady like me who would ride on a bus like this, and not a ferry to Hyannis? Well, I figure save your dough this way and then save up for the fancier things you need to do when you get to Massachusetts.

Hopefully you already have some boring white Bostonian friends from colleges in Boston who have connections through facebook. If this is the case, make sure your trip to Boston is planned around a mixer that you were invited to around something akin to this theme. Be sure you’ve subscribed to every Boston democratic facebook thingie out there and attend every event.

When you get there: Go to Newbury Street and Beacon Hill. Shed your New Yorkishness very quickly and thoroughly. If they sense edginess you are doomed.

Spotting a Kennedy: Pay attention to the dress and accent. If the accent is TOO strong, and slangy, they’ve grown up in Worcester and work at Papa Gino’s. If they have piercing blue eyes and smell like freshly shucked oysters from Chappaquiddick Island, you’re in luck.

What to Say: Keep things cool. Talk about Robert Frost, canvas sneakers, and Woods Hole’s best kept secrets. If you mention the roach you saw in your apartment last week and the man you screwed who had the world’s bendiest penis ever, “Oh, Bobby Jr. It was so funny, I didn’t know if he was just getting soft, or if like, he just had a really maleable one, you know?”, he’ll probably run, spit out his spritzer, or get his madras clad guards to escort you out.

In any event, if you really do want this Kennedy, you probably should have come from good stock, so if you aren’t, you’re really fucked actually. Maybe stick to your kind you slutty bitch, there are plenty of douchey assholes in New York that will settle for you and maybe help you spit out a couple of ugly babies eventually.

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